Not everyone can be a caregiver. It’s not something that you develop later in life. You either have it or you don’t. Certainly you can try it and see how it goes. But I have found that it really takes a special person to be able to give unconditionally to those in need.

There are many caregivers out there whose heart was originally in the right spot. However, if they do it for a “living” it can take its toll. After awhile, their “burnout” will show itself in the process of daily caregiving. Whether it shows in their attitude or work ethic, burned out caregivers are just not doing justice to the one they care for.

Think of it this way. If you were in your 80’s and you body was failing you, your mind was slipping, you had lost many loved ones — more often than not, you struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. Hope is gone and your just riding out your time. If that is the case, would you want someone showing up to care for you who clearly is just “putting in the time?” I think not. Our elders deserve better.

If we’re “lucky” we’ll get to experience the aging process. Wouldn’t it be better if someone were to show up to help you who just couldn’t wait to try to make a positive difference in your day? Someone who was there, not because it was a “job,” but someone who truly cared and found the deeper meaning in serving others.

After all, I believe we are all here to serve. It’s not about ego, it’s about finding our path and, in some form or fashion, making a difference in the world. Those caregivers who get that concept are truly angelic. Unfortunately, not everyone can qualify for such an endeavor.

My hat is off to those caregivers who truly care and give it their all when they’re serving someone in need. It’s a noble calling and they not only benefit their client, they reap tremendous personal rewards that are priceless.

So if you’re going to care for an individual, remember that you have an obligation to give it 100% while “on the job.” If it were you needing the care, you’d hope for the same. And take care of yourself. Like the banking world, you have to make deposits before you can take withdrawals.

Tom Barton

Owner, Barton Home Care

The one thing in life that we have all had issues with is independence. We start out as children who have to listen to our elders. We make sure that we follow the rules of the family and try to please them as we grow up by doing the right things–going to school, church, doing community projects and being a nice person that listens to their elders. Then, we go to the next stage in life; we are 18 and can now vote and do many other things. At this point we are spreading our wings to enjoy our first real taste of independence. We make our own decisions; consider furthering our education, marriage, children, etc. There are so many things that can be done when you have no one to tell you that you can’t do them. Maybe a sense of control of your life can give you confidence and the feeling of standing on your own two feet.

When you get your first taste of life and freedom, it just makes you want more. So next you find yourself married and having children which continues the cycle. You bring your children up to learn the values that you did as a child which includes trying to get them to respect their elders. I guess you could call them traditional family values. And the one thing that no one thinks about at this stage in life is that chances are one day that valued independence will be taken away. Someone may start telling you what to do again, like when you were a child. Trying to force an elderly person to do something that they don’t want to can be damaging to them. They may become angry, and they may become physical. The one thing that is most helpful for dealing with the elderly is giving them choices, within safe boundaries. Let them have options; that small thing can let them keep their dignity and a sense of control of their lives.

I took care of my father for a year; he was dying from pulmonary fibrosis. After five months of caring for him, we brought hospice into our home. The pain he was in was so severe that he could not think clearly. The medications that we gave him helped with his pain, but added to his confusion—particularly when he had to make any kind of choices. Instead of giving five or ten choices, I gave him two. That way, he still had a sense of his independence and felt he had some control all the way to the end of his life. This is one of the best gifts that I could have given my father. I protected him and still left him choices. I hope that someday I will be given a gift like that–my independence.

Marcy Cox, BS Gerontology

 Considering senior care options from a distance

My father will be turning 80 years old in a few months and has been showing signs of short-term memory loss for some time now. He lives alone and although his physical health is good, I am worried that he may somehow jeopardize his safety because of his increasingly acute forgetfulness. Unfortunately, we live many hundreds of miles apart so it’s not possible for me to monitor his daily activities. We do speak frequently by phone but this sometimes heightens my concern that all is not well with his aging mind.

My situation is surely not unique as it has become clearly commonplace in recent decades for people to necessarily relocate virtually anywhere career requirements dictate. I can only assume that this trend has left large numbers of elderly people with fewer nearby family members to rely upon for overseeing their well-being and helping to deal with life’s daily issues. Whereas in the “old days” an aging family member would likely be taken in and cared for by relatives, life in modern society has sadly made that scenario less feasible.

Some parts of the country, such as metro Denver, are seemingly quite progressive when it comes to in home senior care. Other, more “traditional” locations like western Pennsylvania where my father lives are perhaps not as fortunate. It is my belief that placing him in a nursing home would be tantamount to compromising his dignity. Ultimately it may come to that, and of course assisted living facilities do have their place. It is the transition period from self-reliance to total dependence that concerns me - those months or years when the services of a reliable in home senior care service would be invaluable.

By what criteria does one select in  home senior care, especially when the senior care selection process may have to be performed from a distance?

Eric B.